Pieces in Time
August 16th
He caught her eye across the bonfire in the cool night air. It was a beautiful summer evening – the kind that made everything feel as though it was going to be alright. It was a curious but intense gaze – one she couldn’t quite decipher.
She blushed internally – she was glad the sun had set and that the glow from the bonfire wasn’t too strong. She looked around the end-of-summer party – the field was filled with students standing around in small groups – the sound of familiar chatter and friendly laughter filled her ears. It was the Friday two weeks before school was to start up again. She had been persuaded to come by her friend Ellen Jenkins, and although she hadn’t seen many of these people all summer, she wasn’t particularly keen to catch up with many of them. She could speculate the conversation; much of the same old mundane banter – how their summers had been; who had hooked up and broken up with whom; how the next Game of Thrones episode might pan out.
His presence though, captured her attention at once. She had never seen him around before but there he was, chatting with some people she loosely knew. She fell in love with him for a fraction of a second, in that stupid way where you completely make up a fictional version of the person in front of you and fall in love with them. Still, she thought she saw something there - a light in his eyes. And just like that, all she wanted was to go over there. It didn’t matter what for – she just felt the desire to be close to him, to stand near him, to find out his name – nothing else seemed more dire to her in this moment than to know his name. Still, she controlled herself and wandered over to the drinks table scattered with the remains of –
“Hey.”
Her heart skipped a beat, “Hey.”
“So, I noticed I haven’t met you yet and thought I’d introduce myself – I’m Owen, Owen Mulligan.” He stretched out his hand.
“Sydney Dae – it’s nice to meet you,” she shook it.
“Ditto. Do you go here – Halston U?”
“Yeah, do you?”
“No, actually, I don’t, I’m visiting. My family’s from Kilten so I’m just here before I head back to school at Nortmount U. My buddy Brad, Brad McKinney goes here though – you know him?”
She nodded eagerly, fumbling with a flimsy red cup, “Yeah, I do. Nice guy, he lived across the dorms from me in first year. I didn’t even know he would be here. How do you two know each other?”
“High school – we go way back, grew up on the same street for a while until my family moved a couple of streets down. Here – let me help you with that,” he poured her a cup before doing the same in a second.
They stepped away from the table and sat down on a nearby log facing the fire. She crossed her legs, gripping her cup tightly and stared forward at the burning logs.
“So, Kilten huh? My family’s from there too. Grew up there; it’s a nice city – big though.”
“Yeah? Same; it’s not bad. Pollution’s getting heavier every year though.”
She didn’t know how to respond. They sat in silence for a while longer. She searched for something to say – she didn’t want him to leave just yet. Hesitantly, she turned her head and quickly stole a glance at him as if she were scanning the party instead – his eyes too were staring intently at the fire. She took in the specks of brown and gold. He turned to look at her and smiled, “So Sydney, tell me about yourself.”
She smiled back and wondered if he felt it too.
August 17th
She woke up with a start – heart pounding, palms sweating. A sense of urgency, almost as though she had forgotten something important, stirred deep within.
Suddenly, she remembered the events of the prior night – his sweet smile, the way his eyes glowed under the moonlight, the easy flow of conversation – and immediately felt a rush of tranquility. They had stayed up until four in the morning talking the hours away. She pulled the covers back over her head and let her mind wander freely.
September 5th
“So when do you have to be back at Nortmount?” she asked, looking up at him. They were on their way back to the Halston campus after having spent the day down by the Harbourfront, situated about a 20-minute drive north of the campus. It was a question she had wanted to bring up all day – it plagued her when they had been feeding the ducks, inundated her on the roller rink but especially flooded her when they sat on the park bench eating their ice cream cones. They were sitting in his car now, her in the passenger side, focused at the orange shade the sky was quickly turning.
His eyebrows furrowed together in thought. “Well, today’s Wednesday and classes don’t start until Tuesday so I was thinking Sunday would be good to get settled in by. I’m leaning more towards the Monday now though.” He paused, smiling at her, “I like our time together, Sydney.” A surge of exhilaration went through her – she felt as though she was flying, “Of course, I – I like spending time with you too,” enchanting flashbacks of the past two weeks filling her mind. She waited, digging her fingernails into her palms and holding her breath without noticing.
“So, left turn at the next intersection, right?”
“Right,” she exhaled.
September 10th
They were sitting on the dock by Huronvyer Lake, as the sun set across the horizon and night fell around them. Huronvyer Lake was situated directly on the most northern corner of the Halston University campus, surrounded by bushy willow trees and tall switchgrass. In the centre of the small lake was a single wooden dock surrounded by the switchgrass on either side, so tall that it was hard for anyone around to see in and anyone on the dock to see out. Lying there in silence, they stared up at the bright stars high above the night sky. There were so many – hung up in the sky as if deliberately placed tonight. What a calm night, she thought. She felt surprisingly content – she just let her mind go blank, absolutely blank, drinking in the fresh air, the low moonlight and the feeling of his body lying there next to hers. He was warm – she couldn’t physically feel the warmth radiating from his body through the chilled air but somehow, she could feel it, just knowing he was there beside her.
“What are you thinking about right now?” she whispered, cutting into the stillness.
“Nothing much, just trying to figure out when to get up in the morning.”
“Oh.”
“I’m thinking eight, giving me enough time to start the drive around nine and hopefully, I’ll be there by lunchtime. It’s about 330 kilometres from here to Nortmount. ”
She said nothing; just letting the wind blow across her face; feeling the cold air piercing her lungs. In the distance, she could hear the tree branches clashing and the water lapping. She grew tired of it and instead closed her eyes, listening to the sound of her own breathing – holding it and then letting it go - shallow and ragged. And then his – deeper and fuller. They stayed that way a while longer – how much longer, she couldn’t tell. Maybe a quarter of an hour, maybe two.
“Want me to drop you off before I head back tonight?”
“No, I think I want to walk a bit.”
“Are you sure? It’s chilly; wouldn’t want you catching a cold.”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” she said, trying to keep the edge out of her voice.
Neither got up, continuing to lie in the darkness.
“Sydney?”
“Yeah?”
“You know we’ll be okay, don’t you? We’ll make it through the year.”
She suddenly felt a hand on her knee and a smile on her face.
“Really?”
“Yeah, long distance isn’t the end of the world. Sure, it’s difficult but I return home to Kilten quite often as it is, weekends and holidays and all, plus you can always come up to Nort–”
“No, I meant – really? We’ll – you know, into the school year?”
“Well, yeah – you didn’t think this was going to be it, did you?”
Silence – he burst out laughing, “Did you?”
She laughed too and shook her head, glad he couldn’t see her in the darkness. He shifted his body closer to hers and put his arm around her shoulders, snuggling her close. She rested her head on his shoulder, feeling his knees bumping against her own.
October 8th
At night, she would repeat his name to herself. She loved saying his name – over and over again. There was something about it – something about it belonging to him but still being able to take it with her wherever she was or wherever she went – something that she could have with her at all times. She loved the way it slipped off her tongue, the way it made her feel safe and warm; the way it meant a different thing to her – like his name was a language only she could understand.
October 10th
There was an elm tree behind her courtyard residence, situated between about a dozen other elm trees – but this one was special. As Owen had promised, he returned home to Kilten, Ontario often – always stopping by Halsworth University along the way. As the weeks went on however, his car spent less and less time parked on his family driveway and more and more on the Halsworth campus grounds. Whenever he came down to Halsworth, they would often sneak through the closed gates together; him helping her hop over the courtyard wired fence. She had first led him to it the second weekend he had come down to see her. It had been one of her favourite spots to read and write. The previous year, she had spent an afternoon reading the entirety of A Thousand Splendid Suns under this elm tree, overwhelmed by the tragedy faced in the lives of both Mariam and Laila.
Tonight, she was overwhelmed by a different kind of emotion, standing there with Owen, who had once again parked his dark green Ford Focus in front of the Halsworth courtyards. He had helped her over the surrounding wire fences once again that night, but didn’t let go of her hand this time. It was the way he looked at her, she realized – it made her feel alive; free; infinite. No one else had ever looked at her the way he did. And she liked it – she liked the way she felt when he looked at her, as if he believed in her so much that she wanted to believe in herself.
“I want to know you, I want to know everything about you.” he had said that night. And she knew that no matter what happened, she would forever remember how she felt in that moment.
November 2nd
“Hey Syd, how’ve you been the last two days?” It was a Wednesday morning and she was delighted to hear the sound of his voice again so soon.
“Owen! I finally got that physics midterm back yesterday – I got another ninety-six. All that studying’s been paying off!”
“That’s great – I knew you could do it. I was actually calling to ask you something though, was talking to my parents last night and they wanted to know if you’d like to spend the holiday break with us – December 27th to the 30th? We go up to our cabin at White Mountain to ski every year and I was thinking you could come with us if you didn’t already have other plans?”
“Oh, wow – yeah, I’d love to,” a mixture of surprise and delight.
“Okay, great, I’ll let them know. You can meet my sister, Jac, too. So I’ll see you next weekend then? Have a great day.”
“Yeah, for sure. You too.”
November 30th
Sitting on his bed in the house he shared with four others, she plugged her iPod into his dock and set her playlist on shuffle. It was another Friday night but for once, she had borrowed the family car, a silver Pontiac Grand Prix, and drove up to Nortmount instead. Knowing the drive averaged three hours, she was still surprised at how long it seemed to take. Upon arriving, she was introduced to Eric Menesee, the only housemate still hanging around the house. Sydney immediately took a liking to him – Eric was good-natured and intelligent with a dashing sense of humour that made her laugh. Now, sitting with Owen in his room, she looked around the room, noting the various posters of bands and sports teams she had never heard of.
“So, what do you think?” he asked, presenting his room with a flourish of the arm.
“It’s different – different than I had imagined it. I’m just realizing that there’s so much about your life I don’t know about.”
“So ask away.”
And so she spent the night listening to his stories, his dreams and hopes for the future. He recounted all the bones he had fractured, his love of soccer since he began playing at age seven and his dream of a career in engineering. And he listened to hers – her first pet, her love affair with reading and photography and her childhood wishes of the white picket fence.
“So a white picket fence, literally?”
“No, of course not, just the life it represents. I think my ideal house would have an ironwork balcony outside the bedroom window. And a walk-in closet, of course,” she laughed.
He rolled his eyes good-naturedly as a new song filled the room.
She sang along to the first few lines.
Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
“You know this song? It’s by Savage Garden.”
“Of course”.
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life.
And as they sang, she listened closely to the lyrics for the first time. In some ways, she did believe that she loved him before she met him.
December 28th
“Ok, one more time, okay Sydney? You were doing great! Just remember to bend your knees ever so slightly more and point your toes in when you’re stopping.”
“Okay, but if I fall one more time Owen, I’m going inside for hot chocolate.”
“You got yourself a deal, little lady.”
She tilted her right foot, watching as the ski precariously balanced aboard the ski lift. She adjusted her hair from within her toque quickly before putting her hands back inside her pink mittens. He put his leather gloves over hers and squeezed quickly before they got to the end of the lift. She couldn’t help but smile and squeeze back.
“Okay and … now!”
They jumped.
December 30th
That evening, Sydney, Owen and his family gathered around the cabin dinner table for one last meal before they were to drive back to the big city.
“Tell me another joke, Syd!” cried Jacqueline the 8-year-old girl, pulling on Sydney’s sweater.
“Okay, okay, why was the little strawberry sad?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“Because her mom was in a jam!”
Jac burst out into laughter, “Oh, I get it! You’re funny!”
Mrs. and Mr. Mulligan looked at one another and chucked to themselves, delighted by Sydney’s presence. The Mulligans adored Sydney the moment Owen had brought her home and were sad to see her go – they had rarely seen Owen so happy.
January 8th
She slid the CD into her laptop and hit ‘play’. The sound of singing and guitar playing filled her room. A mix tape of their favourite songs; she replayed the tape over and over again accompanying a night of homework. At one point, when a new song came on, Sydney immediately recognized the familiar tune and a swell of emotion overtook her – it was Savage Garden’s ‘I knew I loved you’ – Owen’s own version of it. A twinge of loneliness suddenly filled her – she longed to be near him. Missing him was so strong that it broke her, and she tore herself away from her desk to flop onto her bed, sobbing into her pillow overwhelmed, not quite sure why she was being so dramatic.
To be fair, she did not have many poignant past relationships – just one serious boyfriend in high school – still nothing compared to this. His name was Tom Seikus and they had been friends first. She had thought about him often before Owen came along – though it wasn’t a particularly long relationship, they had ended on good terms and Sydney sometimes missed him. Sometimes, she thought about the irony of their relationship – Tom’s parents had gone through a messy divorce when he was twelve while hers remained happily married. Yet, he had always been the one ready and willing to dive head first into their relationship while the intimacy always terrified her. The more Tom cherished her, the more she denied him – she was petrified of becoming so vulnerable to another.
Strangely, her mind wandered back to Tom tonight of all nights – she vowed not to repeat such a foolish mistake with Owen. Whenever she thought about Tom, she felt regret towards their relationship – she hated herself for not having loved him right. She glanced at the time on the lower right hand corner of her computer screen – 2:08 AM, it read. For a second, she decided against it, wondering if he’d already be in bed but realized she didn’t care either way. She picked up her phone and dialed – five rings and a muffled “Hello?” on the line.
“I love you.”
She closed her eyes and waited, heart plunging.
Time stood still.
“I love you too, Sydney.”
She exhaled.
February 12th
On an early morning run, she stopped by a clearing on the trail to catch her breath. The birds were chirping, the winter sun shining down and the frost glistened over the dewy grass. She leaned down to tie her shoelace, noticing a wild white carnation bordered in pink, hidden within some tall grass. She thought it a most beautiful flower – but she felt a twinge of sadness just looking at it; without reason or cause.
She got up, took a swig from her water bottle and continued on.
March 8th
Snow was piled high around the lamp posts and emergency phone poles all across the university campus. It was deserted – the campus had trickled down by evening. She was in her room, having spent her entire day catching up on lectures and assignments. She felt exhausted –half deliberating crawling into bed and calling it a night – 6:26 PM, staring at her laptop – too early. Sitting back down at her desk, she decided on another lecture and perhaps – knock knock, tapping on her door. She glanced at her door, thinking it might have been the girl down the hall back to return her muffin pan. When she opened it, however, it wasn’t the girl down the hall at her door – it was the boy who should have been a three-hour drive away at Nortmount.
“Owen! What are you doing here?”
She wrapped her arms around the back of his neck and pulled him in close. She always loved the sight of him, no matter how foul a mood she was in.
“Surprising you,” he laughed, “I wasn’t sure it’d work but I’m glad it did.”
“But why? I thought we weren’t doing anything this weekend – didn’t you have work?”
“Yeah, but I got a friend to exchange shifts with me – he understood how big of a milestone this was for us.”
“Milestone?”
“In two days, it’ll be six months. Surely you still remember that night, don’t you?”
“Of course I remember.”
She quickly put her coat on and the two rushed out into the night. Twenty minutes later, she was seated in one of the booths by the back corner of the quaint diner. Everything felt better with him, she thought to herself. The night made her remember the first night they had met – how in love were we that night, she thought to herself. He watched her intently as she laughed at his jokes, admiring the way it seemed to fill up her whole world. He found her hand under the table and gently slid his fingers between hers – they stayed that way in the booth, long after they had both finished their meals.
April 15th
It was late at night and the roads were nearly empty. She thought of the way the pavement looked – she liked the way it seemed to glow when it’s just rained. Night was freezing; her body leaned against his. The road was lit by street lamps alone. In her mind, she couldn’t stop replaying back their conversation, seated in the dim museum coffee shop.
“Owen, thanks for coming down tonight.”
“Of course, I wouldn’t have missed you turning nineteen, Sydney.”
She smiled at him, brushing the hair out of her eyes and adjusting her glasses.
He glanced down a moment at the napkin carefully folded next to his utensils, and cleared his throat. “Here, I wrote something for you, Sydney;
“I think about you often,
Even when we’re not together – especially when we’re not together.
I think about you when I’m lonely, when I’m scared, and when I’m sad.
But most of all, I think about you when I’m happy.”
How odd, he thinks about me most when he’s happy, she thought to herself.
She understood.
April 27th
By the time exams had ended, Sydney had assumed Owen would return to Kilten for the summer months. Sydney had been looking forward to it all year –she craved the intimacy distance had robbed from them. By the end of April however, Owen announced he wouldn’t be returning this summer after all as he planned to continue working at an engineering firm at Nortmount.
“I know this wasn’t what you had in mind for us, but it’s a great opportunity for me. You understand, don’t you, Syd?” he had asked so timidly, it made her blush knowing he cared so greatly about her opinion. She knew she could always ask but didn’t want to.
“Of course. We can make it through anything. We made it through the year – we can make it through the summer too,” she said.
He put his hand on the back of her head and kissed the top of her head.
“And don’t forget forever.”
“And I have something for you,” he takes out a velvet plush box and places it into her hand.
She opened it to a watch - a rose-coloured watch with gold bands.
“What’s this?”
“A watch – often used to tell time, you know,” he joked.
“No, I meant, what’s it for?” gripping it tightly, focused on the ticking of the second hand.
“To keep track of forever.”
May 21st
Jogging down the hill back towards the campus, he stopped by a water fountain and paused, taking in deep gulps of water. She caught up to him and put her hand on his back, feeling the moisture of his cotton shirt, waiting for her turn.
He finished drinking, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and glanced around, waiting for her instead.
“Beautiful things are sad, don’t you think? Like this, right here, all around us – so beautiful but in some twisted way, it makes me sad. Just knowing this wasn’t all here once upon a time and that one day, it might not be again; the impermanence of it all, y’know? There’s a certain sadness within the happiness.”
She only stared.
June 14th
“258 Loyola Boulevard, 258 Loyola,” she muttered to herself, navigating the highway-turned-country roads. She was annoyed at herself for once again, not having memorized the road before Loyola. The night prior, she had made arrangements with Eric, confirming Owen would be around the house this weekend. She wanted to surprise him for his birthday this time.
Crap, she cursed herself spotting the street sign too late. As she drove back, pulling into their driveway, she texted Eric once more – In the driveway! Seconds later, she saw the door opening and Eric motioning for her to enter. She quietly smiled her thanks and tiptoed down the hall towards Owen’s room. She knocked on the door – two quick taps, holding the bouquet of flowers behind her back.
“One sec!” a muffled voice replied.
She loved hearing his voice.
The door swung open and Owen stood there, looking confused to see her. She brought forward the bouquet of flowers, holding them out towards him, “Surprise!” Owen blinked; his expression blank. A movement in the back of the room caught her eye and she frowned, following it. Her focus shifted to the area of movement again – a fair-haired girl with large brown eyes staring back at her in annoyance, one hand holding a shirt up over her chest and the other by her side, clutching the side of her abdomen.
Sydney stood frozen in place, not sure how to react – she bit down hard on her bottom lip until she tasted a warm metallic mix of salt and iron. And at once, she turned and ran, dropping the bouquet of carnations behind her. She ran past Eric, down the crowded corridor and out the front door. She was on autopilot – turning the key into the ignition and speeding back down the country roads.
June 15th
With tear-stained cheeks she got out of bed, making her way to the kitchen. 4:29 PM, the neon green sign on the oven read. She searched the fridge aimlessly, looking for something – she wasn’t even sure what. As she opened a small window, the coldness of the night brushed against her face, sending chills throughout her body. Not finding what she was looking for, she returned upstairs and crawled back into bed, legs huddled against her chest.
He had texted her again. She could tell - her cell phone flashed once again in the darkness of her room, the same way it had the past few hours.
9:05:23 PM – Missed call, Owen Mulligan, it flashed, the ringtone she had set for him echoing off the walls. Every time, she heard it, it brought her back to another time, another dimension – it managed to break her heart over and over again.
10:30:57 PM - Missed call, Owen Mulligan
Maybe it's intuition
Somethings you just don't question…
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes, I think I've found my best friend
10: 41:02 PM - Missed call, Owen Mulligan
I know that it might sound
More than a little crazy
But I be-
10: 41:16 PM - Missed call, Owen Mulligan
There's just no rhyme or reason
Only a sense of comple-
10: 42:03 PM - Missed call, Owen Mulligan
And in your eyes, I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for, I think I've found my way home.
11:41:23 PM – Syd, pick up. Please, just pick up. I know we can work this out somehow. I know it – it’s us against the world, remember? Nothing’s changed, I promise. Nothing’s changed. Call me. Just please – call me, Sydney.
12:57:34 AM - Remember that first night by the bonfire? How in love we were that night? I never told you this but when I saw you, I felt like I already knew you – like I already loved you. It’s there, I know it is because when I look at you, I can feel it. This whole year, the only thing that’s been real has been you and me. We can get through this, I know we can. Please don’t forget. Please Sydney, just call me.
She reached out her arm from under the warm covers and held the off button until a red light flickered bright and then dimmed completely. All of a sudden, reading made her sick. She hurled it across the room – the sound of plastic shattering into a million pieces echoed in her ears. She flipped her pillow over, turned to face the wall and squeezed her eyes tight. She welcomed the sensation of hot tears streaming down her face.
June 25th
She took her black spiral-bound diary off her bookshelf and flipped it open. Waves of numbness washed over her as she glanced at the last entry, running the tips of her fingers over the words April 27th at the top right-hand corner of the page. She willed herself to read the entry, written in childlike swirls.
Owen called again last night – said he’s not coming back for the summer.
He had said, “Last summer apart, babe, I promise. We’ll spend next summer together. And the summer after that. And the rest of our lives, okay?” And I know I had never believed in anything more than I had believed him in that moment. “Okay.”
And the words freely blurred in front of her. Overwhelmed by the sorrow, the emptiness, the indescribable feeling of nothingness, she picked up a stray blue ballpoint pen and quickly dated the next page.
It feels like something inside of me broke – something I hadn’t even known existed.
Pausing, she read it over. And then, twice more – slower. Impulsively, she reached out to hold the watch clasped around her left hand, running her fingertips over the smooth glass plate. She thought for a moment, deliberating. Instead, she closed the spiral-bound notebook and placed it back onto her bookshelf.
August 16th – One Year Later
Sometimes, she still found herself repeating his name to herself as she got ready for the day ahead. Sometimes, she still found herself going over her old poems and his old texts. Sometimes, she would sit by the Harbourfront, running her thumb over the smooth glided surface of the rose-coloured watch still dangling from her wrist. And sometimes, it was more than sometimes.
She knew loving him didn’t make sense. But it was who she was. And how she felt. And all around her, the roar of traffic continued on – horns honking, children screaming and the orchestrated hustle and bustle of men and women rushing nowhere, fast.
He caught her eye across the bonfire in the cool night air. It was a beautiful summer evening – the kind that made everything feel as though it was going to be alright. It was a curious but intense gaze – one she couldn’t quite decipher.
She blushed internally – she was glad the sun had set and that the glow from the bonfire wasn’t too strong. She looked around the end-of-summer party – the field was filled with students standing around in small groups – the sound of familiar chatter and friendly laughter filled her ears. It was the Friday two weeks before school was to start up again. She had been persuaded to come by her friend Ellen Jenkins, and although she hadn’t seen many of these people all summer, she wasn’t particularly keen to catch up with many of them. She could speculate the conversation; much of the same old mundane banter – how their summers had been; who had hooked up and broken up with whom; how the next Game of Thrones episode might pan out.
His presence though, captured her attention at once. She had never seen him around before but there he was, chatting with some people she loosely knew. She fell in love with him for a fraction of a second, in that stupid way where you completely make up a fictional version of the person in front of you and fall in love with them. Still, she thought she saw something there - a light in his eyes. And just like that, all she wanted was to go over there. It didn’t matter what for – she just felt the desire to be close to him, to stand near him, to find out his name – nothing else seemed more dire to her in this moment than to know his name. Still, she controlled herself and wandered over to the drinks table scattered with the remains of –
“Hey.”
Her heart skipped a beat, “Hey.”
“So, I noticed I haven’t met you yet and thought I’d introduce myself – I’m Owen, Owen Mulligan.” He stretched out his hand.
“Sydney Dae – it’s nice to meet you,” she shook it.
“Ditto. Do you go here – Halston U?”
“Yeah, do you?”
“No, actually, I don’t, I’m visiting. My family’s from Kilten so I’m just here before I head back to school at Nortmount U. My buddy Brad, Brad McKinney goes here though – you know him?”
She nodded eagerly, fumbling with a flimsy red cup, “Yeah, I do. Nice guy, he lived across the dorms from me in first year. I didn’t even know he would be here. How do you two know each other?”
“High school – we go way back, grew up on the same street for a while until my family moved a couple of streets down. Here – let me help you with that,” he poured her a cup before doing the same in a second.
They stepped away from the table and sat down on a nearby log facing the fire. She crossed her legs, gripping her cup tightly and stared forward at the burning logs.
“So, Kilten huh? My family’s from there too. Grew up there; it’s a nice city – big though.”
“Yeah? Same; it’s not bad. Pollution’s getting heavier every year though.”
She didn’t know how to respond. They sat in silence for a while longer. She searched for something to say – she didn’t want him to leave just yet. Hesitantly, she turned her head and quickly stole a glance at him as if she were scanning the party instead – his eyes too were staring intently at the fire. She took in the specks of brown and gold. He turned to look at her and smiled, “So Sydney, tell me about yourself.”
She smiled back and wondered if he felt it too.
August 17th
She woke up with a start – heart pounding, palms sweating. A sense of urgency, almost as though she had forgotten something important, stirred deep within.
Suddenly, she remembered the events of the prior night – his sweet smile, the way his eyes glowed under the moonlight, the easy flow of conversation – and immediately felt a rush of tranquility. They had stayed up until four in the morning talking the hours away. She pulled the covers back over her head and let her mind wander freely.
September 5th
“So when do you have to be back at Nortmount?” she asked, looking up at him. They were on their way back to the Halston campus after having spent the day down by the Harbourfront, situated about a 20-minute drive north of the campus. It was a question she had wanted to bring up all day – it plagued her when they had been feeding the ducks, inundated her on the roller rink but especially flooded her when they sat on the park bench eating their ice cream cones. They were sitting in his car now, her in the passenger side, focused at the orange shade the sky was quickly turning.
His eyebrows furrowed together in thought. “Well, today’s Wednesday and classes don’t start until Tuesday so I was thinking Sunday would be good to get settled in by. I’m leaning more towards the Monday now though.” He paused, smiling at her, “I like our time together, Sydney.” A surge of exhilaration went through her – she felt as though she was flying, “Of course, I – I like spending time with you too,” enchanting flashbacks of the past two weeks filling her mind. She waited, digging her fingernails into her palms and holding her breath without noticing.
“So, left turn at the next intersection, right?”
“Right,” she exhaled.
September 10th
They were sitting on the dock by Huronvyer Lake, as the sun set across the horizon and night fell around them. Huronvyer Lake was situated directly on the most northern corner of the Halston University campus, surrounded by bushy willow trees and tall switchgrass. In the centre of the small lake was a single wooden dock surrounded by the switchgrass on either side, so tall that it was hard for anyone around to see in and anyone on the dock to see out. Lying there in silence, they stared up at the bright stars high above the night sky. There were so many – hung up in the sky as if deliberately placed tonight. What a calm night, she thought. She felt surprisingly content – she just let her mind go blank, absolutely blank, drinking in the fresh air, the low moonlight and the feeling of his body lying there next to hers. He was warm – she couldn’t physically feel the warmth radiating from his body through the chilled air but somehow, she could feel it, just knowing he was there beside her.
“What are you thinking about right now?” she whispered, cutting into the stillness.
“Nothing much, just trying to figure out when to get up in the morning.”
“Oh.”
“I’m thinking eight, giving me enough time to start the drive around nine and hopefully, I’ll be there by lunchtime. It’s about 330 kilometres from here to Nortmount. ”
She said nothing; just letting the wind blow across her face; feeling the cold air piercing her lungs. In the distance, she could hear the tree branches clashing and the water lapping. She grew tired of it and instead closed her eyes, listening to the sound of her own breathing – holding it and then letting it go - shallow and ragged. And then his – deeper and fuller. They stayed that way a while longer – how much longer, she couldn’t tell. Maybe a quarter of an hour, maybe two.
“Want me to drop you off before I head back tonight?”
“No, I think I want to walk a bit.”
“Are you sure? It’s chilly; wouldn’t want you catching a cold.”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” she said, trying to keep the edge out of her voice.
Neither got up, continuing to lie in the darkness.
“Sydney?”
“Yeah?”
“You know we’ll be okay, don’t you? We’ll make it through the year.”
She suddenly felt a hand on her knee and a smile on her face.
“Really?”
“Yeah, long distance isn’t the end of the world. Sure, it’s difficult but I return home to Kilten quite often as it is, weekends and holidays and all, plus you can always come up to Nort–”
“No, I meant – really? We’ll – you know, into the school year?”
“Well, yeah – you didn’t think this was going to be it, did you?”
Silence – he burst out laughing, “Did you?”
She laughed too and shook her head, glad he couldn’t see her in the darkness. He shifted his body closer to hers and put his arm around her shoulders, snuggling her close. She rested her head on his shoulder, feeling his knees bumping against her own.
October 8th
At night, she would repeat his name to herself. She loved saying his name – over and over again. There was something about it – something about it belonging to him but still being able to take it with her wherever she was or wherever she went – something that she could have with her at all times. She loved the way it slipped off her tongue, the way it made her feel safe and warm; the way it meant a different thing to her – like his name was a language only she could understand.
October 10th
There was an elm tree behind her courtyard residence, situated between about a dozen other elm trees – but this one was special. As Owen had promised, he returned home to Kilten, Ontario often – always stopping by Halsworth University along the way. As the weeks went on however, his car spent less and less time parked on his family driveway and more and more on the Halsworth campus grounds. Whenever he came down to Halsworth, they would often sneak through the closed gates together; him helping her hop over the courtyard wired fence. She had first led him to it the second weekend he had come down to see her. It had been one of her favourite spots to read and write. The previous year, she had spent an afternoon reading the entirety of A Thousand Splendid Suns under this elm tree, overwhelmed by the tragedy faced in the lives of both Mariam and Laila.
Tonight, she was overwhelmed by a different kind of emotion, standing there with Owen, who had once again parked his dark green Ford Focus in front of the Halsworth courtyards. He had helped her over the surrounding wire fences once again that night, but didn’t let go of her hand this time. It was the way he looked at her, she realized – it made her feel alive; free; infinite. No one else had ever looked at her the way he did. And she liked it – she liked the way she felt when he looked at her, as if he believed in her so much that she wanted to believe in herself.
“I want to know you, I want to know everything about you.” he had said that night. And she knew that no matter what happened, she would forever remember how she felt in that moment.
November 2nd
“Hey Syd, how’ve you been the last two days?” It was a Wednesday morning and she was delighted to hear the sound of his voice again so soon.
“Owen! I finally got that physics midterm back yesterday – I got another ninety-six. All that studying’s been paying off!”
“That’s great – I knew you could do it. I was actually calling to ask you something though, was talking to my parents last night and they wanted to know if you’d like to spend the holiday break with us – December 27th to the 30th? We go up to our cabin at White Mountain to ski every year and I was thinking you could come with us if you didn’t already have other plans?”
“Oh, wow – yeah, I’d love to,” a mixture of surprise and delight.
“Okay, great, I’ll let them know. You can meet my sister, Jac, too. So I’ll see you next weekend then? Have a great day.”
“Yeah, for sure. You too.”
November 30th
Sitting on his bed in the house he shared with four others, she plugged her iPod into his dock and set her playlist on shuffle. It was another Friday night but for once, she had borrowed the family car, a silver Pontiac Grand Prix, and drove up to Nortmount instead. Knowing the drive averaged three hours, she was still surprised at how long it seemed to take. Upon arriving, she was introduced to Eric Menesee, the only housemate still hanging around the house. Sydney immediately took a liking to him – Eric was good-natured and intelligent with a dashing sense of humour that made her laugh. Now, sitting with Owen in his room, she looked around the room, noting the various posters of bands and sports teams she had never heard of.
“So, what do you think?” he asked, presenting his room with a flourish of the arm.
“It’s different – different than I had imagined it. I’m just realizing that there’s so much about your life I don’t know about.”
“So ask away.”
And so she spent the night listening to his stories, his dreams and hopes for the future. He recounted all the bones he had fractured, his love of soccer since he began playing at age seven and his dream of a career in engineering. And he listened to hers – her first pet, her love affair with reading and photography and her childhood wishes of the white picket fence.
“So a white picket fence, literally?”
“No, of course not, just the life it represents. I think my ideal house would have an ironwork balcony outside the bedroom window. And a walk-in closet, of course,” she laughed.
He rolled his eyes good-naturedly as a new song filled the room.
She sang along to the first few lines.
Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
“You know this song? It’s by Savage Garden.”
“Of course”.
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life.
And as they sang, she listened closely to the lyrics for the first time. In some ways, she did believe that she loved him before she met him.
December 28th
“Ok, one more time, okay Sydney? You were doing great! Just remember to bend your knees ever so slightly more and point your toes in when you’re stopping.”
“Okay, but if I fall one more time Owen, I’m going inside for hot chocolate.”
“You got yourself a deal, little lady.”
She tilted her right foot, watching as the ski precariously balanced aboard the ski lift. She adjusted her hair from within her toque quickly before putting her hands back inside her pink mittens. He put his leather gloves over hers and squeezed quickly before they got to the end of the lift. She couldn’t help but smile and squeeze back.
“Okay and … now!”
They jumped.
December 30th
That evening, Sydney, Owen and his family gathered around the cabin dinner table for one last meal before they were to drive back to the big city.
“Tell me another joke, Syd!” cried Jacqueline the 8-year-old girl, pulling on Sydney’s sweater.
“Okay, okay, why was the little strawberry sad?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“Because her mom was in a jam!”
Jac burst out into laughter, “Oh, I get it! You’re funny!”
Mrs. and Mr. Mulligan looked at one another and chucked to themselves, delighted by Sydney’s presence. The Mulligans adored Sydney the moment Owen had brought her home and were sad to see her go – they had rarely seen Owen so happy.
January 8th
She slid the CD into her laptop and hit ‘play’. The sound of singing and guitar playing filled her room. A mix tape of their favourite songs; she replayed the tape over and over again accompanying a night of homework. At one point, when a new song came on, Sydney immediately recognized the familiar tune and a swell of emotion overtook her – it was Savage Garden’s ‘I knew I loved you’ – Owen’s own version of it. A twinge of loneliness suddenly filled her – she longed to be near him. Missing him was so strong that it broke her, and she tore herself away from her desk to flop onto her bed, sobbing into her pillow overwhelmed, not quite sure why she was being so dramatic.
To be fair, she did not have many poignant past relationships – just one serious boyfriend in high school – still nothing compared to this. His name was Tom Seikus and they had been friends first. She had thought about him often before Owen came along – though it wasn’t a particularly long relationship, they had ended on good terms and Sydney sometimes missed him. Sometimes, she thought about the irony of their relationship – Tom’s parents had gone through a messy divorce when he was twelve while hers remained happily married. Yet, he had always been the one ready and willing to dive head first into their relationship while the intimacy always terrified her. The more Tom cherished her, the more she denied him – she was petrified of becoming so vulnerable to another.
Strangely, her mind wandered back to Tom tonight of all nights – she vowed not to repeat such a foolish mistake with Owen. Whenever she thought about Tom, she felt regret towards their relationship – she hated herself for not having loved him right. She glanced at the time on the lower right hand corner of her computer screen – 2:08 AM, it read. For a second, she decided against it, wondering if he’d already be in bed but realized she didn’t care either way. She picked up her phone and dialed – five rings and a muffled “Hello?” on the line.
“I love you.”
She closed her eyes and waited, heart plunging.
Time stood still.
“I love you too, Sydney.”
She exhaled.
February 12th
On an early morning run, she stopped by a clearing on the trail to catch her breath. The birds were chirping, the winter sun shining down and the frost glistened over the dewy grass. She leaned down to tie her shoelace, noticing a wild white carnation bordered in pink, hidden within some tall grass. She thought it a most beautiful flower – but she felt a twinge of sadness just looking at it; without reason or cause.
She got up, took a swig from her water bottle and continued on.
March 8th
Snow was piled high around the lamp posts and emergency phone poles all across the university campus. It was deserted – the campus had trickled down by evening. She was in her room, having spent her entire day catching up on lectures and assignments. She felt exhausted –half deliberating crawling into bed and calling it a night – 6:26 PM, staring at her laptop – too early. Sitting back down at her desk, she decided on another lecture and perhaps – knock knock, tapping on her door. She glanced at her door, thinking it might have been the girl down the hall back to return her muffin pan. When she opened it, however, it wasn’t the girl down the hall at her door – it was the boy who should have been a three-hour drive away at Nortmount.
“Owen! What are you doing here?”
She wrapped her arms around the back of his neck and pulled him in close. She always loved the sight of him, no matter how foul a mood she was in.
“Surprising you,” he laughed, “I wasn’t sure it’d work but I’m glad it did.”
“But why? I thought we weren’t doing anything this weekend – didn’t you have work?”
“Yeah, but I got a friend to exchange shifts with me – he understood how big of a milestone this was for us.”
“Milestone?”
“In two days, it’ll be six months. Surely you still remember that night, don’t you?”
“Of course I remember.”
She quickly put her coat on and the two rushed out into the night. Twenty minutes later, she was seated in one of the booths by the back corner of the quaint diner. Everything felt better with him, she thought to herself. The night made her remember the first night they had met – how in love were we that night, she thought to herself. He watched her intently as she laughed at his jokes, admiring the way it seemed to fill up her whole world. He found her hand under the table and gently slid his fingers between hers – they stayed that way in the booth, long after they had both finished their meals.
April 15th
It was late at night and the roads were nearly empty. She thought of the way the pavement looked – she liked the way it seemed to glow when it’s just rained. Night was freezing; her body leaned against his. The road was lit by street lamps alone. In her mind, she couldn’t stop replaying back their conversation, seated in the dim museum coffee shop.
“Owen, thanks for coming down tonight.”
“Of course, I wouldn’t have missed you turning nineteen, Sydney.”
She smiled at him, brushing the hair out of her eyes and adjusting her glasses.
He glanced down a moment at the napkin carefully folded next to his utensils, and cleared his throat. “Here, I wrote something for you, Sydney;
“I think about you often,
Even when we’re not together – especially when we’re not together.
I think about you when I’m lonely, when I’m scared, and when I’m sad.
But most of all, I think about you when I’m happy.”
How odd, he thinks about me most when he’s happy, she thought to herself.
She understood.
April 27th
By the time exams had ended, Sydney had assumed Owen would return to Kilten for the summer months. Sydney had been looking forward to it all year –she craved the intimacy distance had robbed from them. By the end of April however, Owen announced he wouldn’t be returning this summer after all as he planned to continue working at an engineering firm at Nortmount.
“I know this wasn’t what you had in mind for us, but it’s a great opportunity for me. You understand, don’t you, Syd?” he had asked so timidly, it made her blush knowing he cared so greatly about her opinion. She knew she could always ask but didn’t want to.
“Of course. We can make it through anything. We made it through the year – we can make it through the summer too,” she said.
He put his hand on the back of her head and kissed the top of her head.
“And don’t forget forever.”
“And I have something for you,” he takes out a velvet plush box and places it into her hand.
She opened it to a watch - a rose-coloured watch with gold bands.
“What’s this?”
“A watch – often used to tell time, you know,” he joked.
“No, I meant, what’s it for?” gripping it tightly, focused on the ticking of the second hand.
“To keep track of forever.”
May 21st
Jogging down the hill back towards the campus, he stopped by a water fountain and paused, taking in deep gulps of water. She caught up to him and put her hand on his back, feeling the moisture of his cotton shirt, waiting for her turn.
He finished drinking, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and glanced around, waiting for her instead.
“Beautiful things are sad, don’t you think? Like this, right here, all around us – so beautiful but in some twisted way, it makes me sad. Just knowing this wasn’t all here once upon a time and that one day, it might not be again; the impermanence of it all, y’know? There’s a certain sadness within the happiness.”
She only stared.
June 14th
“258 Loyola Boulevard, 258 Loyola,” she muttered to herself, navigating the highway-turned-country roads. She was annoyed at herself for once again, not having memorized the road before Loyola. The night prior, she had made arrangements with Eric, confirming Owen would be around the house this weekend. She wanted to surprise him for his birthday this time.
Crap, she cursed herself spotting the street sign too late. As she drove back, pulling into their driveway, she texted Eric once more – In the driveway! Seconds later, she saw the door opening and Eric motioning for her to enter. She quietly smiled her thanks and tiptoed down the hall towards Owen’s room. She knocked on the door – two quick taps, holding the bouquet of flowers behind her back.
“One sec!” a muffled voice replied.
She loved hearing his voice.
The door swung open and Owen stood there, looking confused to see her. She brought forward the bouquet of flowers, holding them out towards him, “Surprise!” Owen blinked; his expression blank. A movement in the back of the room caught her eye and she frowned, following it. Her focus shifted to the area of movement again – a fair-haired girl with large brown eyes staring back at her in annoyance, one hand holding a shirt up over her chest and the other by her side, clutching the side of her abdomen.
Sydney stood frozen in place, not sure how to react – she bit down hard on her bottom lip until she tasted a warm metallic mix of salt and iron. And at once, she turned and ran, dropping the bouquet of carnations behind her. She ran past Eric, down the crowded corridor and out the front door. She was on autopilot – turning the key into the ignition and speeding back down the country roads.
June 15th
With tear-stained cheeks she got out of bed, making her way to the kitchen. 4:29 PM, the neon green sign on the oven read. She searched the fridge aimlessly, looking for something – she wasn’t even sure what. As she opened a small window, the coldness of the night brushed against her face, sending chills throughout her body. Not finding what she was looking for, she returned upstairs and crawled back into bed, legs huddled against her chest.
He had texted her again. She could tell - her cell phone flashed once again in the darkness of her room, the same way it had the past few hours.
9:05:23 PM – Missed call, Owen Mulligan, it flashed, the ringtone she had set for him echoing off the walls. Every time, she heard it, it brought her back to another time, another dimension – it managed to break her heart over and over again.
10:30:57 PM - Missed call, Owen Mulligan
Maybe it's intuition
Somethings you just don't question…
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes, I think I've found my best friend
10: 41:02 PM - Missed call, Owen Mulligan
I know that it might sound
More than a little crazy
But I be-
10: 41:16 PM - Missed call, Owen Mulligan
There's just no rhyme or reason
Only a sense of comple-
10: 42:03 PM - Missed call, Owen Mulligan
And in your eyes, I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for, I think I've found my way home.
11:41:23 PM – Syd, pick up. Please, just pick up. I know we can work this out somehow. I know it – it’s us against the world, remember? Nothing’s changed, I promise. Nothing’s changed. Call me. Just please – call me, Sydney.
12:57:34 AM - Remember that first night by the bonfire? How in love we were that night? I never told you this but when I saw you, I felt like I already knew you – like I already loved you. It’s there, I know it is because when I look at you, I can feel it. This whole year, the only thing that’s been real has been you and me. We can get through this, I know we can. Please don’t forget. Please Sydney, just call me.
She reached out her arm from under the warm covers and held the off button until a red light flickered bright and then dimmed completely. All of a sudden, reading made her sick. She hurled it across the room – the sound of plastic shattering into a million pieces echoed in her ears. She flipped her pillow over, turned to face the wall and squeezed her eyes tight. She welcomed the sensation of hot tears streaming down her face.
June 25th
She took her black spiral-bound diary off her bookshelf and flipped it open. Waves of numbness washed over her as she glanced at the last entry, running the tips of her fingers over the words April 27th at the top right-hand corner of the page. She willed herself to read the entry, written in childlike swirls.
Owen called again last night – said he’s not coming back for the summer.
He had said, “Last summer apart, babe, I promise. We’ll spend next summer together. And the summer after that. And the rest of our lives, okay?” And I know I had never believed in anything more than I had believed him in that moment. “Okay.”
And the words freely blurred in front of her. Overwhelmed by the sorrow, the emptiness, the indescribable feeling of nothingness, she picked up a stray blue ballpoint pen and quickly dated the next page.
It feels like something inside of me broke – something I hadn’t even known existed.
Pausing, she read it over. And then, twice more – slower. Impulsively, she reached out to hold the watch clasped around her left hand, running her fingertips over the smooth glass plate. She thought for a moment, deliberating. Instead, she closed the spiral-bound notebook and placed it back onto her bookshelf.
August 16th – One Year Later
Sometimes, she still found herself repeating his name to herself as she got ready for the day ahead. Sometimes, she still found herself going over her old poems and his old texts. Sometimes, she would sit by the Harbourfront, running her thumb over the smooth glided surface of the rose-coloured watch still dangling from her wrist. And sometimes, it was more than sometimes.
She knew loving him didn’t make sense. But it was who she was. And how she felt. And all around her, the roar of traffic continued on – horns honking, children screaming and the orchestrated hustle and bustle of men and women rushing nowhere, fast.